God sees me?

have u ever wondered if God sees u?

have u ever experienced being invisible in a crowd?

have u ever tried to be seen?

these questions have been part of my life for a long time. i have wondered, experienced, and tried to be. there is no reason y i should think God sees me if no one else does. i want to tell u about my journey to seeing myself thru the eyes of a God that sees and loves me so very much. this God has many names, but this one i only just learned today from an email i receive daily from First Things First by Christine Caine.

El Roi

God has not forgotten u. Philippians 4:19

when i read this, i did not notice the two words El Roi in the upper right hand corner. i had read this thru out the day for encouragement but did not notice it until it was time for the baseball game this afternoon. opening day for the season. so i looked up the meaning of the two words El Roi.

i typed in the two words and up came the info i was looking for. i clicked on the Wiki link and was taken aback. here is what i read:

El Roi

Hebrew

one of the names of God in Hebrew Bible.

commonly translated "the God who sees me", both descriptive epithet for God using the word "El" (God) and a modifier indicating a quality of God.

first mentioned in Genesis 16:13 by Hagar.

as i read this, i completely identified with Hagar. Hagar had become contentious since she was pregnant. Sarai treated Hagar harshly causing her to run away. Hagar had been wandering in the desert and  finally cried out to God and God responded to her outcry. she was running away from unfair treatment. as she sat by a well God visited her and told her to name her child, a son, Ishmael. this name means God hears. Hagar names the well God spoke with her, Beer-lahai-roi, which means "well of the Living One who sees me" (Genesis 16:14).

i am one that has been quiet when i am in a crowd. i learned at a very early age that my voice was not to be heard. so most of my heart crying is done privately. when i have ideas, i speak to people i know but most of the time it's done with no one else around. i wondered regularly if anyone really cared or even saw me.

my current situation has caused me to take a long, no-holds-barred, look at myself. i had found that i am in need of help when it comes to believing in myself. my low self-esteem caused me to cower and internalize everything. i blamed myself and took the blame whether or not it was mine. i was usually blamed for it anyway. i had to really look at who i was. when i did that, i was made free. the struggle is now all in my mind. so i have been filling my mind with God's word. God's word tells me how much i am loved and how to overcome the enemy's suggestions.

well, now i am facing the most challenging situation i have ever faced. something i have never faced alone. i began wondering if God remembered me or even cared anymore. my faith was faltering but i only have one person i can go to cuz he has never left me. he is the only one that has never abandoned me. so i read in his word how much he cares, and loves, and is proud of me. God has continually reminded me that all he wants me to do is: TRUST HIM. believe me, at first it was easy but now, i find it difficult. just the other day i was reminded not to give up or give in. i questioned God y haven't been able to get the most menial job or have someone that wants to hang out with me. i literally cried out to him in frustration and hurt and deep pain becuz of my current situation. i feel completely alone and unseen by God. i know deep down that i am NOT alone. even when i am crying out to him, he reminds that he is right here, keep trusting him and walking in faith believing that he will do what he promised. it has been real hard cuz i have not seen anything in what God has said would come to be.

i have to say this: my pastor is a good example in being patient and walking in faith. he's a quiet man with strong convictions he actually lives out. unless he is preaching, he doesn't say much. but i have sensed a deep peace that resonates thru out his entire being. and when he preaches/shares he speaks with a conviction of been there, done that. his example has encouraged me to keep moving forward.

so i battle myself in my mind. it's so hard. then i read this today. God sees me. but u know what i said? "do u really see me?" "y can't i get the most menial-type job?" "y am i being "thrown away" again?" "what have i done so wrong, again?" 

know what God said? "TRUST ME." yep! that's what he said. so guess what? i am trusting him even tho i am scared. i feel i am at the bottom of the abyss cuz i can barely lift my head and see the distant lite of tunnel's opening. something that Hagar did after she spoke with God was obey him by returning to Sarai and submitted. as i am not goin' back to someone, i will submit and obey my Lord.

u see, i know God can do what he says personally. the problem i am having is that i have not yet seen anything he said would happen. waiting is so hard when u know that u know God said something. all Daddy wants me to do is trust him. if i can make it to the finish line, then i will receive the promise. and believe me, only God can make this happen. i just can't give up or give in. i am growing my faith. i am growing my life relationship with Christ Jesus and God. reading that God sees me has encouraged me. maybe, just maybe, God will see to all my needs: job, physical, financially, and spiritually. i can keep following my leader in the great unknown of God's amazing GRACE.

God does really see me. he gave me a beautiful peace in the midst of my storm within. he hears my heart's cry. Father forgive me for my unbelief and help me in my unbelief.

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all my needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to me in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:19 NLT (personalized)